It's been a while since I've written, and even now, I don't have much time. It seems I go in spurts. I get really passionate, and really deep really quickly and then things slow down, and so do I. In an effort to counteract that as part of this new phase in my life, I'm trying to stick to writing.
The last couple of weeks, I've felt that I have drifted a little. There haven't been any emotional highs, or new ministry meetings, or new revelations. I'm just hanging out... Which makes me feel far away from God. I know that I'm not, I know he's here with me all the time and I can still see his tangible presence daily. It's like when you're in a relationship with someone for so long that you can sit together on long car rides and not feel the need to fill the silence. We're just hanging out, enjoying the ride.
For posterity's sake, here are some of the things that have come across my mind lately that I am praying about and seeking God's will in:
-Mission trip to Haiti. I am pursuing a short term mission trip to Haiti in the fall. I am pretty confident that God has this planned for me. I've got a friend that wants to go with me, my husbands full support, and child care. My prayer is that God would supply the funding for the trip, and that he would help me to see what his purpose for me going is. That I would be able to get out of the way so that He could work through me.
-My new ministry at church. That God would raise up the people that we need. That they would be willing to roll up their sleeves and dig deep for the broken hearted.
-For contentment. I'm always looking for what's next. That God would give me "peace for the moment" that I could appreciate where I am and what I'm doing.
-For my family. That will all these big, grand ideas, that I wouldn't neglect my duties in raising and nurturing the precocious gifts God has entrusted me.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Connections
Last fall, my small group was talking about what we thought our spiritual gifts were. As I thought about it, the only thing I could come up with was connections. It sounded lame in my head and even more lame when I said it out loud. My group razzed me a little and assured me that I had other spiritual strengths as well, even if I couldn't think of anything else off hand. Well this has continued to be a running joke all year. And, it's funny, I laugh with them and poke fun at myself. But, as the year has gone on, I've been hyper aware of all of the connections I make, and how they serve the Lord.
My very first year teaching I was at a rough middle school on a rough side of town. I learned a lot that year and made what I thought were a lot of meaningful connections with the students I had. There have been several times over the years that I have though back on those students and wondered where they have landed in life.
In February, I bumped into one of them. We recognized each other right away and I could tell we were both super excited to see one another. I tried to keep myself cool and calm (I tend to be a bit of spaz). A couple hours later, I had an email from her, gushing about how great it was to see me and how great it was in her junior high band class and what fond memories she has from that year. It was all exactly how I was feeling! Yay! We decided to meet for dinner and catch up.
Last night we had that dinner and it was an amazing time that was totally orchestrated by God. How overwhelming to know that 11 years ago, this young woman in my band, was there and we connected because down the line, He needed the two of us to reconnect so that I could connect her to some people in my life that she needs to know.
I, of course, was very excited while we were talking and fully disclosed that I believe God uses me to connect people according to His will. She was excited about that, too. It was a fun time, and we will meet again, soon I hope. I'm looking forward to seeing how God will move now in her life and in mine.
What a fun thing to be used by God in such a tangible way.
Thanks you Lord!
You are good!
My very first year teaching I was at a rough middle school on a rough side of town. I learned a lot that year and made what I thought were a lot of meaningful connections with the students I had. There have been several times over the years that I have though back on those students and wondered where they have landed in life.
In February, I bumped into one of them. We recognized each other right away and I could tell we were both super excited to see one another. I tried to keep myself cool and calm (I tend to be a bit of spaz). A couple hours later, I had an email from her, gushing about how great it was to see me and how great it was in her junior high band class and what fond memories she has from that year. It was all exactly how I was feeling! Yay! We decided to meet for dinner and catch up.
Last night we had that dinner and it was an amazing time that was totally orchestrated by God. How overwhelming to know that 11 years ago, this young woman in my band, was there and we connected because down the line, He needed the two of us to reconnect so that I could connect her to some people in my life that she needs to know.
I, of course, was very excited while we were talking and fully disclosed that I believe God uses me to connect people according to His will. She was excited about that, too. It was a fun time, and we will meet again, soon I hope. I'm looking forward to seeing how God will move now in her life and in mine.
What a fun thing to be used by God in such a tangible way.
Thanks you Lord!
You are good!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Frustrations and Anger
Romans 3:23 (NIV)
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
All have sinned, and will continue to sin until the end of their time on Earth. I am no exception. Neither are you.
Last night at dinner, I got frustrated with my son. I took out my frustration on him. I sinned in my frustration. Then, it built. I knew what I had done was wrong, but he hadn't apologized and so I continued to stew in my frustration. I knew I needed to apologize for the way I acted toward him, and that he needed to apologize for his behavior as well.
I didn't get to it before bed time and so I went to bed angry. The Bible says, in Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil at foothold." Even though I knew this, I went to bed anyway.
I woke up still tired and still crabby, big surprise. I went through my morning routine and finally when I went to wake the kids up, I took the time to apologize to my son. I apologized for my behavior and then was quick to scold him for his as well. He apologized quickly and then looked up at me with his beautiful eyes and said, "it's ok Mom, I forgive you." He's such a good boy.
There, I did what I was supposed to. Now, I should feel better right? This gray cloud over my head will go away right? Not so much. The fall out from my choice stuck with me all day. Which was a bummer because I spent the day in a meeting about this new ministry I'm going to be involved in at church.
We spent the day working through some of our ideas on how best to connect the regular attendees of our church in ways that will help them to grow spiritually. We are looking to connect with those attendees that slip in and slip out each week. Our ideas are grand and exciting to think about. But then when we start talking about the practicality and implementation of it all my crabby cloud settled in above my head.
Part of preparing to serve our church in this way had us looking through some research about the people in our church. There was some data from a survey that asked people about where they are in their spiritual growth and the activities they participated in to continue in that growth. I was amazed at how low the numbers were in the areas of reading scripture and spending time in solitude with God. Both of those things I try to do daily. The other thing that was on there that struck a chord with me was regularly confessing your sins to God.
Like it says in Romans, ALL are sinners and we ALL fall short of the glory of God. That includes me. When I fall short, I need to remember to ask God to forgive me, and I need to do it regularly, because I know that I sin regularly. I have felt closer to God than ever the last few days, which made the separation I felt last night and today even worse. I don't want to be separated, I want to be close to God.
Hebrews 10:22
let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.
Heavenly Father, please forgive me for being angry with my son. Please forgive me for holding onto that anger and letting it fester. I am thankful for your saving grace. Please give me the strength and patience I need to face each day. Help me to be the wife and mother my family deserves. Please guide the team I am working with and me as we develop this new ministry to bring you glory.
Romans 3:23-24 (NIV)
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, AND are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus, for your amazing grace and sacrifice on my behalf.
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
All have sinned, and will continue to sin until the end of their time on Earth. I am no exception. Neither are you.
Last night at dinner, I got frustrated with my son. I took out my frustration on him. I sinned in my frustration. Then, it built. I knew what I had done was wrong, but he hadn't apologized and so I continued to stew in my frustration. I knew I needed to apologize for the way I acted toward him, and that he needed to apologize for his behavior as well.
I didn't get to it before bed time and so I went to bed angry. The Bible says, in Ephesians 4:26 "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil at foothold." Even though I knew this, I went to bed anyway.
I woke up still tired and still crabby, big surprise. I went through my morning routine and finally when I went to wake the kids up, I took the time to apologize to my son. I apologized for my behavior and then was quick to scold him for his as well. He apologized quickly and then looked up at me with his beautiful eyes and said, "it's ok Mom, I forgive you." He's such a good boy.
There, I did what I was supposed to. Now, I should feel better right? This gray cloud over my head will go away right? Not so much. The fall out from my choice stuck with me all day. Which was a bummer because I spent the day in a meeting about this new ministry I'm going to be involved in at church.
We spent the day working through some of our ideas on how best to connect the regular attendees of our church in ways that will help them to grow spiritually. We are looking to connect with those attendees that slip in and slip out each week. Our ideas are grand and exciting to think about. But then when we start talking about the practicality and implementation of it all my crabby cloud settled in above my head.
Part of preparing to serve our church in this way had us looking through some research about the people in our church. There was some data from a survey that asked people about where they are in their spiritual growth and the activities they participated in to continue in that growth. I was amazed at how low the numbers were in the areas of reading scripture and spending time in solitude with God. Both of those things I try to do daily. The other thing that was on there that struck a chord with me was regularly confessing your sins to God.
Like it says in Romans, ALL are sinners and we ALL fall short of the glory of God. That includes me. When I fall short, I need to remember to ask God to forgive me, and I need to do it regularly, because I know that I sin regularly. I have felt closer to God than ever the last few days, which made the separation I felt last night and today even worse. I don't want to be separated, I want to be close to God.
Hebrews 10:22
let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.
Heavenly Father, please forgive me for being angry with my son. Please forgive me for holding onto that anger and letting it fester. I am thankful for your saving grace. Please give me the strength and patience I need to face each day. Help me to be the wife and mother my family deserves. Please guide the team I am working with and me as we develop this new ministry to bring you glory.
Romans 3:23-24 (NIV)
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, AND are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus, for your amazing grace and sacrifice on my behalf.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Anything...
I just finished reading Anything - the prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul, by Jennie Allen. The basic summary is that Jennie and her husband, Zac, prayed that God would use them for anything. That he would use anything they had or anything they did for his glory. It is an amazing, inspiring and challenging book. As I read it, I realized that this is the next step for me spiritually.
Praying anything is a scary thing. Anything isn't always happy and cheerful. It is usually hard, and reckless. But, if I believe God is who he says he is and that he is in control, then I need to give him anything he wants, because after all, he's the one who gave it to me in the first place and he can take it away any time he wants, no matter how tightly I try to hold onto it.
Here is what I think that God has revealed to me.
First of all, the scariest anything for me to pray wasn't about my husband or my kids. Yes, it would be indescribably hard to deal with the loss of any of them, but growing up having lost my mom at a young age, this was something I've always braced myself for. It wasn't the scariest. The scariest, was my own life. When my mom died, I was seven. She was a believer. I am confident that she is in Heaven. Many of my family members were not believers, including my dad. Because of my mom's death, my dad and many others (probably more than I know because of the ripple affect) have come to know Jesus. I have often said I think that if Jesus had given my mom a choice to continue living on this Earth with my dad continuing to be an non-bliever, that she would have chosen death to save him. As I thought of that, I realized that was my anything. That was the prayer that would be hardest for me to pray, that God would take my life if it meant saving someone I love. But I did it. I asked God to use my life, it whatever way he needs to, for his glory. That includes my role as a wife and mom. That includes my time, my talents, my treasures. That includes my house, my cars, my safety in America. That includes my pride, my envy, my desire to have control and my fear.
That's a big prayer.
God is moving. I have seen him more tangibly in the last week than I can count. He is present, by my side, laughing with me as I am seeing him more and more. If you've seen the movie Rise of Guardians (which is totally pagan), there is a scene where the little boy finally can see Jack Frost and all of the things he's been doing. That's the way I feel about God. I can finally see him. I have been following him for years, but I can finally see him.
Here is what I believe God is calling me, us, to. (Andy hasn't read this book yet, so he still looks at me a little like I'm crazy when I start talking about all of this stuff. But he will, and when he does, look out!!!)
1. Service in this new ministry at church. To connect people to the body of Christ to better serve him and his kingdom work.
2. Through this ministry, I believe God will connect us to someone that will lead us into our next adventure. I believe this will include ministry over seas, short term or long term, I don't know.
3. This blog. He has been prompting me to keep a journal. I am going to use this blog as a more efficient way to track all the ways he's moving in my life and use it as a map to guide me along the path he sets before me. Especially when the evil one tries to distract or confuse me.
4. My kids. They are still my mission field and I am working to help them see God in everything and using the Bible and scripture as our rule book.
5. Some other more fuzzy things include adoption, moving, and nutrition.
Praying anything is a scary thing. Anything isn't always happy and cheerful. It is usually hard, and reckless. But, if I believe God is who he says he is and that he is in control, then I need to give him anything he wants, because after all, he's the one who gave it to me in the first place and he can take it away any time he wants, no matter how tightly I try to hold onto it.
Here is what I think that God has revealed to me.
First of all, the scariest anything for me to pray wasn't about my husband or my kids. Yes, it would be indescribably hard to deal with the loss of any of them, but growing up having lost my mom at a young age, this was something I've always braced myself for. It wasn't the scariest. The scariest, was my own life. When my mom died, I was seven. She was a believer. I am confident that she is in Heaven. Many of my family members were not believers, including my dad. Because of my mom's death, my dad and many others (probably more than I know because of the ripple affect) have come to know Jesus. I have often said I think that if Jesus had given my mom a choice to continue living on this Earth with my dad continuing to be an non-bliever, that she would have chosen death to save him. As I thought of that, I realized that was my anything. That was the prayer that would be hardest for me to pray, that God would take my life if it meant saving someone I love. But I did it. I asked God to use my life, it whatever way he needs to, for his glory. That includes my role as a wife and mom. That includes my time, my talents, my treasures. That includes my house, my cars, my safety in America. That includes my pride, my envy, my desire to have control and my fear.
That's a big prayer.
God is moving. I have seen him more tangibly in the last week than I can count. He is present, by my side, laughing with me as I am seeing him more and more. If you've seen the movie Rise of Guardians (which is totally pagan), there is a scene where the little boy finally can see Jack Frost and all of the things he's been doing. That's the way I feel about God. I can finally see him. I have been following him for years, but I can finally see him.
Here is what I believe God is calling me, us, to. (Andy hasn't read this book yet, so he still looks at me a little like I'm crazy when I start talking about all of this stuff. But he will, and when he does, look out!!!)
1. Service in this new ministry at church. To connect people to the body of Christ to better serve him and his kingdom work.
2. Through this ministry, I believe God will connect us to someone that will lead us into our next adventure. I believe this will include ministry over seas, short term or long term, I don't know.
3. This blog. He has been prompting me to keep a journal. I am going to use this blog as a more efficient way to track all the ways he's moving in my life and use it as a map to guide me along the path he sets before me. Especially when the evil one tries to distract or confuse me.
4. My kids. They are still my mission field and I am working to help them see God in everything and using the Bible and scripture as our rule book.
5. Some other more fuzzy things include adoption, moving, and nutrition.
Ephesians 2:10 (NIV)
10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The Back Story.
My latest read is Anything: the prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul by Jennie Allen. It's the latest in a series of books I've read over the last couple of years that have caused me to make some major changes in my life. I've decided that if God is who He says He is, and I believe that, then I need to show that in the way I live my life.
When we (by we, I mean my small group at church) read Revolutionary Parenting by George Barna, it caused me to realize I need to spend more time with my kids, that they are my mission field and it's my job to instruct them in Gods ways. I should be their primary resource in their spiritual life, not church or friends, or school. I had been investing in other people's kids lives for too long, I needed to change my focus to my own kids and with laser beam intensity.
Then, we ready Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I realized that God loves me, really, deeply, crazy loves me. And how amazing that is considering how small I truly am in the scope of the entire population of the world, much less the entire universe. Whoa! I also realized that I was very much a Martha, busy, moving, working, trying to get everything just right when I really just needed to slow down, and sit at Jesus's feet, like Mary.
This year, we read Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. This book challenged us to decide whether we were true followers of Christ or merely fans. It challenged us to die to ourselves daily. To take up our cross and follow Jesus.
If all of this is true, and God is who He says He is, and I believe that, then I needed to make some changes.
I really liked my job. I liked the people I worked with, I liked the school I taught in, I liked the feeling that I was making a difference, and the students... I LOVED the students, they were my favorite part. But, I needed to let go, to be obedient to God's nudging in my life, so I quit. Not only did I quit my job, but I quit everything else I was doing, too. And, I said no to anyone that asked me to do anything that was outside of my home or would take time away from my family. I was committed to taking at least one year off from everything but my family and I would re-evaluate at the end of the year.
We were pretty sure that we could make ends meet without my pay check and trusted that God would provide when they didn't. So far, he has been more than faithful. It is amazing when I sit down to pay the bills, knowing that it's going to be tight, and ending up with enough to cover all of our needs of our family of six and throw some money toward other peoples' needs as well.
That was a long story cut short. In a nutshell, I've quit my job, I'm focused on my kids, my bills are paid and the year is almost up. I'm learning to focus solely on God.
As June draws closer, I started to think about what it is that God wants me to do. There are so many areas that I can serve and so many things I'm interested in doing but I couldn't think of anywhere at church that I wanted to invest. I was frustrated and trying to solve it myself. One particular Sunday at church, while I was wrestling with all of this, they sang the song, Help Me Find It by the Sidewalk Profits. As I listened to the words of the song, I realized that God knows exactly what he wants me to do. He has a plan for me, which he created in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do). As I listened, I let go, I prayed, "God you already know what you want me to do, please just help me find it." After church, I told a friend, "I'm ready to dive in, but I'm just not sure where to dive." As I was explaining this to her, one of the pastors at church approached me.
He said, "I know you're on a sabbatical, and I hate to even ask you, but you just keep coming to mind when I think about this..."
I just laughed, and said, "yes".
He said, "you don't even know what it is."
I said, "It doesn't matter, this is what I've prayed for, I'll do it."
We met later that week and as I listened to his idea about a new ministry they are working on a church, I couldn't help but giggle. God loves me, and has a plan for me, and it's perfect. It's better than anything I could have created for myself.
As I'm preparing to serve in this new ministry, I want to be careful to let Him lead the way. I want it to be His ideas, His objectives and His plans, not my own. Which brings me back to my latest read, Anything.
To summarize, the author, Jennie Allen, and her husband, Zac, decided to pray and give God anything. Anything they had, anything they did, not just anything, everything. That God would use them for anything He wanted or needed to. As I read, I just knew that this was the next step for me spiritually.
If God is who He says He is, and I believe that, then I need to show that in the way I live my life.
My latest read is Anything: the prayer that unlocked my God and my Soul by Jennie Allen. It's the latest in a series of books I've read over the last couple of years that have caused me to make some major changes in my life. I've decided that if God is who He says He is, and I believe that, then I need to show that in the way I live my life.
When we (by we, I mean my small group at church) read Revolutionary Parenting by George Barna, it caused me to realize I need to spend more time with my kids, that they are my mission field and it's my job to instruct them in Gods ways. I should be their primary resource in their spiritual life, not church or friends, or school. I had been investing in other people's kids lives for too long, I needed to change my focus to my own kids and with laser beam intensity.
Then, we ready Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I realized that God loves me, really, deeply, crazy loves me. And how amazing that is considering how small I truly am in the scope of the entire population of the world, much less the entire universe. Whoa! I also realized that I was very much a Martha, busy, moving, working, trying to get everything just right when I really just needed to slow down, and sit at Jesus's feet, like Mary.
This year, we read Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman. This book challenged us to decide whether we were true followers of Christ or merely fans. It challenged us to die to ourselves daily. To take up our cross and follow Jesus.
If all of this is true, and God is who He says He is, and I believe that, then I needed to make some changes.
I really liked my job. I liked the people I worked with, I liked the school I taught in, I liked the feeling that I was making a difference, and the students... I LOVED the students, they were my favorite part. But, I needed to let go, to be obedient to God's nudging in my life, so I quit. Not only did I quit my job, but I quit everything else I was doing, too. And, I said no to anyone that asked me to do anything that was outside of my home or would take time away from my family. I was committed to taking at least one year off from everything but my family and I would re-evaluate at the end of the year.
We were pretty sure that we could make ends meet without my pay check and trusted that God would provide when they didn't. So far, he has been more than faithful. It is amazing when I sit down to pay the bills, knowing that it's going to be tight, and ending up with enough to cover all of our needs of our family of six and throw some money toward other peoples' needs as well.
That was a long story cut short. In a nutshell, I've quit my job, I'm focused on my kids, my bills are paid and the year is almost up. I'm learning to focus solely on God.
As June draws closer, I started to think about what it is that God wants me to do. There are so many areas that I can serve and so many things I'm interested in doing but I couldn't think of anywhere at church that I wanted to invest. I was frustrated and trying to solve it myself. One particular Sunday at church, while I was wrestling with all of this, they sang the song, Help Me Find It by the Sidewalk Profits. As I listened to the words of the song, I realized that God knows exactly what he wants me to do. He has a plan for me, which he created in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do). As I listened, I let go, I prayed, "God you already know what you want me to do, please just help me find it." After church, I told a friend, "I'm ready to dive in, but I'm just not sure where to dive." As I was explaining this to her, one of the pastors at church approached me.
He said, "I know you're on a sabbatical, and I hate to even ask you, but you just keep coming to mind when I think about this..."
I just laughed, and said, "yes".
He said, "you don't even know what it is."
I said, "It doesn't matter, this is what I've prayed for, I'll do it."
We met later that week and as I listened to his idea about a new ministry they are working on a church, I couldn't help but giggle. God loves me, and has a plan for me, and it's perfect. It's better than anything I could have created for myself.
As I'm preparing to serve in this new ministry, I want to be careful to let Him lead the way. I want it to be His ideas, His objectives and His plans, not my own. Which brings me back to my latest read, Anything.
To summarize, the author, Jennie Allen, and her husband, Zac, decided to pray and give God anything. Anything they had, anything they did, not just anything, everything. That God would use them for anything He wanted or needed to. As I read, I just knew that this was the next step for me spiritually.
If God is who He says He is, and I believe that, then I need to show that in the way I live my life.
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